The beginning of my end

I got new piercings this past weekend and I must say they hurt a whole lot less than I expected. I suppose that’s what happens when you have already been pierced emotionally, my mid helix being ripped open can not compare to my soul being punctured by my reality. A reality I still cannot accept to be my own. I am actually on the brink of death right now, every part of me wishes I had perished in the fires that had engulfed Table Mountain. Don’t get me wrong I’m not suicidal I’m just in a lot of pain and I do not know how to make it end…I just want it to end.

As I lay here sobbing uncontrollably trying to hold myself together but dissipating into pieces every passing second, minute, hour. I am ruminating and the voices in my head will not let me be. “You not the first person this has happened to” said disbelief , “You shouldn’t have gotten that drunk” said regret , “I mean you were making out with him earlier that night in the club what did you think was going to happen” said grief. Someone call my mommy, I do not want her to know her baby got violated I just want to feel safe.

No one around me gets it or at least I will not divulge enough for them to get it. I have no where to go, no one to talk to and yet I barely spend a single hour in solitude. Is that not humorous? What happened you may ask, well something I never imagined would happen to me which is weird because if the statistics in this country are anything to go by, it was bound to happen eventually. South Africa has the highest rate of rape in the world of 132.4 incidents per 100,000 people. Wow this is my first time calling it what it is, I never wanted to term that because rape is such a strong word. Yes for the past five months I have been trying to euphemise being sexually assaulted.

Rape is not a stranger in a ski mask jumping out the bushes far from it, for me rather it was the guy I had been acquainted with in different occasions, the guy I was just laughing with last night. The familiarity is what left me debilitated besides he had dm-ed me on Instagram apologising for the lack of consent or how it did not happen the way he wanted it to, that makes it better right? He said sorry so it is okay right? He must really have not realised when he was tearing my clothes off me cause I was too drunk to it myself right? It must be tormenting him that he was thrusting in and out of me while a lay there barely conscious? My God it must make him sick to his stomach that even though I told him to stop he is hurting me he insisted he could fit it all in right? Oh how he must be losing sleep that he was my first sexual experience and it was that horrific right?

I am so terrified that perhaps I am overreacting because if his Instagram is anything to go by he has been doing just fine since then. I keep hoping for sincerity from him but instead I have been met with nothing but hostility because all my efforts to relay my misgivings they have been reduced to nothing a girl who expected more than sex. It will leave you flawed which is why I do not say anything about it because it is one thing to lose so much of yourself but the having to defend myself in the court of public opinions would destroy me. I just got to let it go I suppose.

I cannot let it go it has become a part of me, it passes my thoughts daily, I cannot stand being around any guy because I cannot let that happen to me again. I will not let that happen to me again!!

I am truly just a shadow of my former self because this man just wanted to bust a nut. The worst is I do not know who to talk about it to I am not ready to be asked a million questions or interrogated. So rather I just walk past my perpetrator without saying a word, I walk past him without shedding a tear, I listen to him hollering in the hallways without flinching, I stand right next to him and talk at him never to him and he acts like he has never met me before. Not to say internally I am not burning, I am which is why I wish I would have opted to walk right into the Table Mountain fires but sadly for me I was in Stellenbosch at the time. A chance missed in my opinion but hopefully another one presents itself so I can end it all.

Once it ends I will no longer have to pretend, to smile, to laugh, to talk because I will no longer be dead inside but outside too. As I can no longer stand to trod on the same planet as Lunathi Gwayi…

- And a side of optimism please.